Good day to all you Kinksters out there!
Sorry for not posting in a while (without announcing a known hiatus), but work, August heat/mugginess, and depression have taken their toll on me in the last few weeks. I have been thinking of my kinky bunnies nonstop, but I’ve had difficulties in getting my words out on paper (well, on the web, technically).
In the meantime, I’ve been having a great deal of training at work (yay for more qualifications) and it has been rather exhausting, as flight cancellations made for a lot of overtime. I want to say that it was good for my wallet, but a cop who stopped me for speeding decided to give me the highest fine possible (1,300.00$ plus 14 demerit points out of 15) despite it being my very first offense (and I was driving at an average highway speed on a highway). So my wallet has been bled dry despite all the overtime work. Needless to say, this has caused me to have a considerable panic attack and many sleepless nights. But, beyond having a lawyer look at the ticket, there is nothing I can do in the immediate moment. I’m trying to shut the door on this massive problem and move on.
Now that you know what’s been eating away at my poor tortured insides, lets get to the reason you guys are actually reading this: the kinky bits. I really want to tackle the subject of malesub and masculinity today, as my subby-hubby is the main inspiration for this post.
Malesub is incredibly attractive, so why is there such stigma against it?
Would that I had the answer to that, my dears! There is but one thing that I know is one hundred per cent true, and that’s that very many women love a man who can be vulnerable. Not all women will admit it, even less are willing to describe themselves as Femdoms/Dommes/etc. because of the associated implications (pro-Dommes usually come to mind, and it is not every woman who enjoys donning 8 inch heels and latex). The result is that many men see vulnerability and the desire for submission as an inherent flaw that will make them lose respect rather than gain it.
To be perfectly frank with you, I think our patriarchal society is to blame for that. The traditional male gender role has been established as domineering and stoic, unemotional and intriguing, with all the machismo someone can throw behind it. Just look at men’s cologne advertisements, or worse, the ones for men’s jeans. The men in it are very beautiful specimens (*drool*), and they mostly fit a very precise and crafted view of masculinity (I’m talking about the ripped, but lean Adonis-types that exist mostly thanks to the wonders of airbrushes and photoshop… mostly). But, beyond their basic appearance, they are always; a) doing a “manly” sport, such as sailing, riding a motorcycle, pumping iron, or swimming in a tumultuous ocean; b) driving in a sports car; c) taming some wild beast (or a horse, for some reason); or, finally, d) having a woman at their feet begging for their attention.
If you are a fan of my blog, so far, you will probably understand, without explanation, why there are inherently problematic. If you are new to my blog, welcome! I am a very opinionated young Femdom with sometimes-switch tendencies. I am very much a Feminist and a firm believer in equal rights (except for the bedroom *wink*). Some may even call me a social warrior, but I am going to disagree as I don’t take issue with quite as many things as they have a tendency to do. All clear? Good.
I apologize in advance if this post will sound elitist and pompous, but I am on a ranting roll here and I will have my cake and eat it, thank you very much.
So why are these “Manly” advertisements a problem?
They give people a distorted image of masculinity. The human animal is very strange when it comes to social concepts. For some reason, our society has agreed that whatever we see in advertising is something we must aspire to. This has been exceedingly damaging for women – as many articles will tell you – but it has also affected the male gender greatly. The idea of men having to be strong, rational creatures is… unrealistic and convoluted to be honest.
But I am not writing this article to emphasize that the patriarchy is a problem for both genders. I frankly believe that it has become increasingly obvious over the years. One would truly have to have lived under a large boulder in the Mongolian desert to not be aware of the situation. Some people are in denial, but, however unwilling they may be, they are aware of the dilemmas these fabricated gender roles bring to society.
I am writing to emphasize how unfortunate these gender roles are. We are trained by the advertising blasting against our retinas from all angles, all day, every day, to believe that the ideal women are perfect housewives who love and obey their husbands; and that men are this essence of “Masculinity” (who smell of Matterhorn or Deep Space – whatever that may mean) that charms the pants off All the Ladies, drives a big fancy car, and tames wild horses. But how many men actually, genuinely fit that image? How many men do you know who look (and live) like the gentlemen in the advertisements? If your answer is anything other than none, forgive me if I have my doubts.
Malesubs admit that there is weakness in masculinity. They are naked par excellence.
These unrealistic expectations of what a man should be – this musky, muscle-y, mighty creature of marble – are the root cause for the stigma against male vulnerability. But this is what we Femdoms treasure. A vulnerable man is baring his soul to us: he is being completely honest to himself and his Dom, and he is exposing his emotional side that we adore (and reward).
It is the pure, unadulterated nakedness of a male sub that is attractive to most women. You read me correctly: most women. I will admit that, as this is an opinion piece, I have not gathered any statistics to support my findings, so I’ll call it a woman’s intuition that I know this. *wink* But, honestly, ask any woman (even those who do not identify as Dominant) what she is looking for in a partner. The responses, unanimously, will focus on a man’s personality rather than his appearance. Women like a man who does not put up a facade or persona. The theatricality of the rugged Hollywood masculine does not have its place in private relationship and, unless it is your fetish, it also does not have its place in the bedroom.
Argh… I am rambling and lost my train of thought. Writing sporadically at work on my break is difficult.
What I am trying to say is that “Masculinity” (notice how I make use of capitalization when I find it is a societal construct?) is a charade. Men are mortal creatures, who live and breathe and feel emotions. I can’t speak for all women, but I know I find conversations with men difficult when I need to worm their feelings out of them. A lot of men bottle up how they feel and all that emotion eventually ferments and becomes toxic. We should accept the fact that men can be sensitive and vulnerable. I find that Femdoms are the most ready to accept this as a fact.
To me, malesubs are perfect.
I like to think that the same is true of the average Femdom – but I might be completely off the mark as well.
My husband seems to think he is weak for admitting he enjoys submission. But I see no flaw in that. It’s actually a show of true strength. I find that the ability to trust someone so deeply that you expose yourself to their whims and sadistic desires takes the kind of courage that I don’t really have.
Trust. I think that may be a key word here. As a Femdom, I feel empowered by people’s trust – especially the unwavering, deep-seated kind required for submission. While I do not trust easily, I want to be trusted. I want to be confided in – I want to be the person my sub comes to when his emotions spill over. When he confides in others, gives them the same trust he grants me, I feel hurt – I feel as though I have lost a bit of the ties that bind us together.
I know it is selfish and exceedingly arrogant of me. It is as though I am trying to play God, attempting to control when he feels. But that would be overstepping my bounds. He can feel whenever and whatever he wants. I just wish he came to me every time. I wish he knew that I am always, and will always be, there for him.
The ability of malesubs to shed the facade that society has locked them into is something I admire. I must admit I feel envious when I look at that ability. Even when I switch, I can’t really get one hundred per cent into subspace. It is as though I keep the sub side of me behind glass. I cannot cast off the image society gives me. It is why I am boiling over in self-loathing. Malesubs can discard societal expectations and just be, just exist as beings of pure emotion, pain and pleasure. A soul in its natural shell.
My sub, my forever-love, makes my heart bleed with my desire to hurt and nurture him. It almost destroys me. I love him so much. Tearing apart the naked male soul and taking care of carefully piecing it back together when we’re done is extremely powerful.
I think that is what Femdoms live for.
And I think that this is where I should call it quits. This sporadic writing keeps making me lose the thread of my previous thoughts and this text feels, well… honestly it feels convoluted. But I don’t want to create another hiatus. So you’ll have to take my bad writing as well.