– Day Sixteen –
What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?
Probably to get people to understand it. Not that I feel the need to explain or justify my kinks. It’s about the one thing I feel comfortable with. However, some of my friends tend to fear that my interest in BDSM stems from my Anxiety and other deeep-seated issues.
They aren’t completely off the mark. It is true that I use kink to help me calm some of my anxieties. The control I exercise over my husband during our sessions makes me feel exceedingly confident and empowered, something I sadly lack in my day-to-day life. When I play the switch and sub for someone, the endorphin high tends to change my headspace entirely to one that is actually tolerable, instead of the deep hellhole it usually is (sorry, this is becoming depressing…).
Nevertheless, it is not because of my Anxiety that I turned to kink. It is not a coping mechanism for me. It is simply a bonus, a side-effect of my sexual appetites that I get some relief from the constant torture my brain likes to inflict upon me.
So I’m tired of explaining. I’m sick of reassuring. I know my friends mean well. But I am having difficulty with Vanilla people asking me if I shouldn’t be seeing a shrink about my kinky habits. I already DO see a psychologist and a psychiatrist, thank you very much. And no, I don’t really speak to them extensively about my sexuality because I fear the same reaction as that of my friends. The constant knee-jerk reaction of: “omg, you like BDSM, you must be severely damaged!”
Yes. I am damaged. Yes, I have a lot of baggage. But it does not influence me in my kinks. I’ve been kinky as far as I can remember. I’ve got a mind that chooses to reside in the gutter permanently. Always have. The damage done to my psyche neither reinforced, nor changed this about me. And dealing with people who do not understand that is very difficult.