Thirty Days of Kink – Day 16

– Day Sixteen –

What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?

Probably to get people to understand it. Not that I feel the need to explain or justify my kinks. It’s about the one thing I feel comfortable with. However, some of my friends tend to fear that my interest in BDSM stems from my Anxiety and other deeep-seated issues.

They aren’t completely off the mark. It is true that I use kink to help me calm some of my anxieties. The control I exercise over my husband during our sessions makes me feel exceedingly confident and empowered, something I sadly lack in my day-to-day life. When I play the switch and sub for someone, the endorphin high tends to change my headspace entirely to one that is actually tolerable, instead of the deep hellhole it usually is (sorry, this is becoming depressing…).

Nevertheless, it is not because of my Anxiety that I turned to kink. It is not a coping mechanism for me. It is simply a bonus, a side-effect of my sexual appetites that I get some relief from the constant torture my brain likes to inflict upon me.

So I’m tired of explaining. I’m sick of reassuring. I know my friends mean well. But I am having difficulty with Vanilla people asking me if I shouldn’t be seeing a shrink about my kinky habits. I already DO see a psychologist and a psychiatrist, thank you very much. And no, I don’t really speak to them extensively about my sexuality because I fear the same reaction as that of my friends. The constant knee-jerk reaction of:  “omg, you like BDSM, you must be severely damaged!”

Yes. I am damaged. Yes, I have a lot of baggage. But it does not influence me in my kinks. I’ve been kinky as far as I can remember. I’ve got a mind that chooses to reside in the gutter permanently. Always have. The damage done to my psyche neither reinforced, nor changed this about me. And dealing with people who do not understand that is very difficult.


5 thoughts on “Thirty Days of Kink – Day 16

  1. Just found your site.

    “When I play the switch and sub for someone, the endorphin high tends to change my headspace entirely…”

    Yes, hormones and endorphins are directly connect to the brain in some people (i.e., you and I). The act of discipline is hard-wired to the erotic pleasure centers in the brain. Men will get erections; women engorged labia and excited clitoris. And hormones let their freak fly. Even though the spanking may hurt a bit, the excitement of the sexual tension it engenders balances out the pain creating an approach/avoidance loop, the “I hate it! Don’t stop. puzzle” And you wind up getting “some relief from the constant torture my brain likes to inflict upon you.

    And what’s wrong with that!?

    I know a woman who loved to be spanked but her husband hated the idea. Tried to, but then flat-out refused to spank her, finally insisting they see a professional therapist/marriage counselor. He found one. They met and the “pro” crapped all over her for her kinky sinful desires. Turns out he ‘found’ a religious nutbag for a therapist.

    She got pissed, insisting they see someone more neutral and professional, found one, and they went. This therapist, after hearing the issue said: “That’s it? You like being spanked?” Turned to her husband: “Do you know how many couples I see who have real marriage-ending problems? All she wants is an occasional and simple 5-minute spanking, so this is easy. Take her home and spank her! It’s simple and she wants you to do it. Make. Her. Happy.”

    The air was cleared. For a while. The marriage did break up a few years later. She thought it was because he couldn’t think without the Jebus telling him what to do. Sad.

    A.J. (A male who has been on both sides of the lap.)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for sharing this with us, Miss Pippa Minty.

    That is too bad that your friends don’t understand its merits. I only share the kinky side of my life with a few select people and with most of them, I only reveal the bare minimum of information, e.g. “I am a submissive.”

    I too have a lot of emotional damage, baggage, and anxiety. D/s and BDSM are positive in ways of bringing me to a more peaceful or beneficial mental space when I feel the darkness creeping in. I don’t need it to function, but it can often make life more enjoyable without having to dump energy into fighting off demons.

    I attempted to speak about D/s once with a very renowned Psychiatrist that was head of the Psych department at a major University (this was following the death of my fiance/first Mistress). I stopped after his response was “I don’t understand.” He had no clue and absolutely no input on coping with it unless I wanted to medicate myself until I was no longer submissive.

    In my current relationship my Mistress partially displayed our relationship to her friends one at a time having me cook for them and attend to them for an entire evening without speaking unless spoken to and obeying every request/command immediately. She also offered them my services for giving foot or back rubs. This was my first time meeting each of them. No one picked up on the D/s dynamic and the majority of them told her how impressed they were with my manners, courtesy, attentiveness, and so on. I’m not sure how most would have reacted if they knew this was our public display of kink, but sometimes they need to see some positives before they jump to a conclusion of their preconceived notion.

    On a side note, I think it is amazing and wonderful when someone embraces their mind residing in the gutter 🙂

    Take care.


      1. Thank you. It took years, but I have finally healed from it. Trying to deal with accepting my sexuality in its aftermath was a bit of a rough patch.


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