I’m back, my naugthy bunnies! Sorry about that hiatus, but life really interfered with my writing. I am moving to a new apartment in the next few weeks and it is eating up all my time. In any case, here is another Thirty Days of Kink!
Thirty Days of Kink
– Day Eleven –
What are your views on the ethics of kink?
Okay, I was going to open my reply with a discussion about the semantics of the word “ethic,” but that would be far too elitist and bitchy of me to be tolerable. So I will just refrain the English Lit major in me and move on to an actual response…
There is so much to say about kink and ethics and about the behaviours that are acceptable in the kink community and the ones that are not. Elaborating on all of them would turn into the worst TL;DR scenario since the original unabridged manuscript draft of Dostoevsky’s Crime and Punishment.
So, for the sake of brevity, I will try listing what I feel are the most important things to consider when engaging in a BDSM activity.
While this may seem like the obvious answer, this is absolutely key. When engaging in kink, all participants should have given explicit informed consent. They may also revoke said consent at any time during the “session” by using their safeword. Things can quickly escalate into assault, flat out abuse and even rape if one isn’t careful.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m all about RACK (risk aware consensual kink) and Con Non-Con (consensual non-consent). However, those terms imply that there was discussion and informed consent given before engaging in any kinky sport. And, again, both parties are entitled to bring things to a stop if they have reached their hard limit or if it is no longer fun for them.
This brings me to my next point:
Communication is key in any kinky context. What are your limits? Are they hard or soft limits? Do you have any triggers? If you are in a relationship, discuss how this may affect your relationship together. This is all an essential part of safe and consensual kink.
I do not like referring to the Fifty Shades of Grey books or film, because they were utter tripe, but the negotiation of the contract was a mildly interesting part in the story. Not every kink relationship needs a fully written out and signed contract. However, it is good to discuss your wants, needs and limits in advance. Have these conversations regularly – you can change your mind about things. This would, of course, reopen the discussion.
Active communication is essential even during your play time. Use your safeword if you’ve reached your limit (make sure the other person knows your safeword), use “yellow” if things are going too fast or hard for you. Make sure that, should you be gagged, you have a gesture to replace your safeword that has previously been agreed upon. The pain scale is also a good method of communicating your needs (am I hitting too hard or too little?).
Again, it seems like I am stating the obvious; but when engaging in kink, proper precautions must be taken. These precautions range from safety sheers when doing rope work (in case you accidentally tie a knot too tight and need to undo it quickly), to condoms (on toys as well as genitals for sanitary reasons). One should also consider the comfort of the sub – if they have back or knee problems, make sure they are not put in a position that might cause genuine injury. I like to torture people. I always have. And I like to cause pain. But that pain never caused any real or permanent damage. A few bruises maybe, certainly many to the ego, but never any harm that would result in a visit with a chiropractor. This is something you want to absolutely avoid. So safety is very, very important. Protect yourself, protect your sub, and don’t forget to lube up lest you cause some uh… friction damage.
Respect seems self explanatory. Respect yourself and your limits. Respect your play partner and your limits. But also respect the safeword. Respect the safety rules. Make sure everything is followed properly. So uh… yeah… respect.
Last but not least, despite all these ethical rules and ideas, HAVE FUN! If kink stops being fun for you, don’t worry about taking a break. Maybe revisit things with your partner. Discuss it. Do you need to take it Vanilla for a bit? Maybe. Maybe you just need to try something new. But when people stop having fun and fall into routine, that’s when they tend to slack on the rules above.
Welp, so much for brevity! I did try…
So there. I have answered the question in as vaguely and “concisely” as I could. Thank you, I’ll be here all week. Try the veal; tip your waiters.
Next post will also be much more fun, I promise (it’s about funny BDSM stuff).