A few days ago, I posted this on Fetlife in a group called “Dominant Women and subs/slaves who love them.”
The collar – ultimate sign of the submissive. From what I have understood of the BDSM community, giving a collar to your sub has a great deal of significance, and for some, the symbol of the collar is akin to the wedding band.
Which is why I am left in a bit of a crisis. I hope that better and more experienced Femdoms and Doms alike can potentially help me with this issue. You see, my House-hubsand has a collar – that he got from his ex-girlfriend.
Do not get me wrong: it is a gorgeous collar. I believe it is a Northbound Leather piece, sturdy and with a gorgeous buckle. I have used it on him only last weekend so I could lead him around by the neck (which is more fun to do than I care to admit).
The problem here is that, when I tie the collar around his neck, I do not feel the empowerment that should normally come from such a gesture. I hesitate and I feel the oppressive presence of the evil manipulative ex in the room with us. I keep thinking that she bought it for him hoping to chain him to herself and not to me. But, at the moment, it is the only collar I have and, as I’ve said before, it is quite the beautiful collar.
Also, because I realize how this sounds so far, the collar was bought while my House-husband was still in a relationship with the Evil Bulldog. So it’s not like she gave him the collar after he was in a relationship with me. But that does not change the fact that I feel this collar overshadows my dominance in a way.
Has anyone else experienced this? Is there a way to make an old collar yours?
I got some varied opinions on the matter and a few genuinely helpful replies… Four replies in total to be exact.
The next thing I know, my post was deleted.
I was frankly surprised by this turn of events. Was the group not for Dominant Women and their questions/discussions? Had I done something wrong in posting this question that had been plaguing me for a while? Did the group moderators know Evil Bulldog and delete the post because they somehow felt I had slighted her?
It turns out, the group moderators did much more than just delete my post. They flat out BANNED me from the Dominant Women group!!
Let that sink in for a minute.
Because, honestly, what the ever loving fuck?! I may be a newbie Dom (or, rather, reconnecting with my inner Dom) and be prone to mistakes, but that does not make me any less a Dom in a F/m relationship.
Still reeling from the shock, I contacted the moderators. Their reply angered me to no end. You see, apparently, because I enjoy switching things up sometimes (because I find some fun in being a sometimes submissive and because I feel I can gain insight into the submissive perspective by doing so), I am not allowed to be a part of the Dominant Women group. That’s right: Switches, sometimes or otherwise, are not allowed! This is not at all in the essence of the Kink community I have come to know and I am, frankly, quite offended. Do I no longer technically count as a Dominant Woman in my F/m relationships? When I choose to sub to someone, am I not a “sub/slave who love[s Dominant Women]?” As per their group title, I doubly qualify for fuck’s sake!
I am shocked that the mythical “The Old Guard” of purist, elitist Dommes seems to be a reality in a community that I have come to respect and adore for its openness and acceptance. The fact that I my reply to the moderators, mentioning that I related more to the Dom perspective and that I liked to sub only occasionally, in part to help gain insight into the submissive mind-frame, went unanswered.
Dominant Women that I respect quit the group in solidarity with Switches. Because, honestly; how can a group be so freaking conceited? Who are they to judge what we identify as? What is the harm in Switching as a Dom anyway??
I am simply disappointed that these cretins will know no consequences for their actions in a community that usually does a great job at policing itself and eliminating this sort of discrimination and judgement. I am also saddened to find out that this sort of behaviour is present in the Kink community. I am so over the every day discriminatory antics of the world and I had thought that I had found a place where they were as near as possible to non-existent.
I will not stop being a sometimes switch. It is my choice and my fun. Regardless, I still identify as a Dominant Woman. So fuck you, moderators! Fuck you.